Got There First
by Shin Willow
Summary: Xander always wanted Buffy, but not like that...


Warning: Implied rape.

Spoilers: slight S1-2

Disclaimer: Do not own BtVS, never will.

Got There First

Xander couldn't believe Angelus had the nerve to show his face here! Bearing a dozen roses, no fucking less! Xander got up from the plastic chair he dragged from the waiting lounge and blocked Buffy's hospital room door.

Angelus strolled up and stopped in front of Xander, standing close enough the roses touched Xander's chest. Angelus was trying to intimidate Xander by looming over him with all three extra inches he had on Xander, but all Angel's succeeded at is pissing Xander off.

"Visiting hours are over."

Angelus grins and licks the top row of his perfect white teeth and says, "Well, I'm pretty much family."

"Yeah, the psycho uncle nobody wants to talk about and never invite over for family get-togethers," Xander retorted. "Scram, deadboy, you aren't setting one foot inside. No way."

Taking a half a step closer, Angelus leans in until the roses get crushed between them. "If I decide to walk into Buffy's room," Angelus starts, turning his head to left and throwing his chin up to indicate the door behind Xander, "do you think for one microsecond that you could stop me?"

Xander feels his eyelids twitch as he lets the question hang unanswered. No, he couldn't stop Angel. Buffy even at full strength might not be able to either. But Xander couldn't, would not, give this bastard a free pass. If Angel does make it into Buffy's suite, Xander's broken body is gonna be the first thing he had to step over.

"Maybe not," Xander finally replied. "Maybe that security guard couldn't either." Xander tossed a quick glance to a guard standing a little ways down the hall talking to three uniformed officers. "Or those cops... or the orderlies... But I'm kinda curious to find out. You game?"

For the first time since arriving Angelus sees Xander as something other than irrelevant. "Buffy's White Knight," he says. "You still love her." Angelus leaned in even closer, his eyes gleaming with malevolence, and Xander almost flinches at this first real indication Angelus would bother to kill him. Yet, Xander refuses to show the vampire any fear. He can go vomit in terror after Angelus left. "It must just eat you up that I got there first."

The world spun off its axis and Xander's vision clouded; the urge to throw up suddenly became less controllable. Angelus actually backed off when Xander heaved and slapped his hands over his mouth. Xander stayed like that, hunched over, struggling with nausea for a few seconds. Xander soon collected himself straightened his back, and dropped his hands away from his mouth. Then, with as much hate and loathing he could generate--none of it inspired by, or aimed at Angelus--he glared at the vampire and said, "You rotten fucker, get the fuck outta here, or we'll see if I can't really bring this whole damn hospital down on your head!"

Angelus tilted his head and studied Xander with a different expression now. His gaze is curious instead of murderous. Xander heard the vampire sniff the air before he took another step back. "Hmm. Tell her I stopped by."

Xander watched Angelus stride down the hallway. Angelus paused only to toss the flowers into a wastebasket before vanishing around a corner. Xander waited another minute to make sure the vampire was really gone before he quietly rushed into Buffy's room. Once inside, he retreated to the suite's small, private restroom. Where he immediately dropped to his knees and voided the contents of his stomach into the toilet bowl.

"God. Oh, God," he gasped.

Xander flushed the stool and used the back of his right hand to wipe vomit off his lips. He then stood up and moved over to the stainless steel sink beside the bowl and twisted the cold water lever. Xander sipped from his cupped hands, he needed to spit out several mouthfuls before he got rid of the, chilidogs dipped in bile taste out of his mouth. Afterwards, he greedily gulped down more water to soothe the burning in his throat. Xander deliberately avoided his reflection in the mirror bolted to the wall above the sink the whole time.

His knees shaking, Xander left the restroom. He looked over at Buffy lying asleep in her hospital bed. Her face looked waxen and drawn from her bout with the flu, and bruised up from the beating Angelus gave her. Xander went to her and held her slender hand in his. She looked so small, fragile. Helpless. Xander covered his mouth with his free hand, his stomach rolling. He swallowed twice to suppress his gag reflex.

He had to get out of there. Away from Buffy. But he didn't deserve escape. He didn't deserve to be walking the Earth. Why did Angelus have to...? Xander let go of Buffy's hand. She'd never let him hold it awake, and so doing it while she was powerless to prevent it...

Xander walked around the bed to the room's bay window. He stared into the darkness beyond, and pleaded with... Who? God? His own conscious? He didn't want to go back, not there. The ugliest parts of himself waited in that place in his memory. Wanted to show him Buffy underneath him, crying hot tears.

"Xander?"

Xander turned around and smiled. "Hey, Buff! How ya feelin'?"

"Mack. Truck. Smoosh."

"Hang in there, another coupla days and you'll be back kicking vampire ass almost as good as me."

Buffy laughed weakly but it was enough to make her cough violently. Xander rushed to her side. It sounded like she was hacking up a lung. "I'll get you some water."

Buffy waved her hand as she got her coughing fit under control. "I'm fine. Just exercising my singing voice."

"Right. You got a big, fat frog in your throat, Pavarotti. You should get it checked out."

"Yeah, yeah." Buffy's eyes started to close and Xander thought he was about to see her get some more sleep. But her lids climbed open and she eyed him tiredly. "You can go home, Xander. I'm gonna be boring company for a while," she said.

Xander smiled weakly and dared to reach for Buffy's hand. When she didn't pull away Xander's vision blurred with unshed tears. Maybe she can forgive him. Maybe she didn't have the strength to pull away.

"Nah. I'm always gonna be there for ya, Buffster. Always."


End file.
